Proof Lyrics

My name up in lights

And in the Los Angeles Times

Sold out

Standing room only shows

Everyone telling me

I'm on my way

To where

I really don't know

Managing a 23-bed men's

Alcohol and drug recovery house

Where the owner told me

I needed to call the guys on their shit

I didn't smell any shit

So I told him I couldn't do it

And that I was fine if he didn't want me

Working there anymore

But he kept me on

And even tried to entice me away

Asked me to name my price

To not return to school

At the end of the summer

And my boyfriend

Was a musician

With a high libido

Like mine had been

Until it fell off a cliff

Cuddling was fine

For me

But not for him

He always wanted to get it out

And get it on

And get it in

And me not wanting to

Became such a problem for him

That I offered to go to couples counselling

And bought books on gay male intimacy

Which he agreed to read

But then he never did

Why don't you just go to couples counselling yourself

He finally told me

As if our problem

Was my problem

And maybe it was

I certainly couldn't prove it wasn't

But I wasn't about to go to couples counselling

Without him

So we broke up

And then had break-up sex

And then had break-up sex

Again

And then I started back to school

Writing and writing

As if I was a writer

With somewhere I was going

With somewhere I wanted to go

I was going home

And getting on the phone

Calling a gay hook up line

And hooking up

And hooking up

And hooking up

Until I hooked up

With a guy

Who lived a 2-hour drive away

And who didn't have a car

And was full of self-pity

Because he was in the country

Illegally

He had a job

Making dough

At a pizza joint

Under the table

After having graduated

From high school

With straight A's

And his mom was dying

Several inhospitable

Borderlines away

He was giving money to

Immigration lawyers

Who seemed to be

Just stringing him along

And I loaned him money

So he could give them more

And then I tried to break up with him

And he exploded

So I recanted

Only to break up with him again

A year later

For the same reason

Because he was depressed

And just wanted to watch TV

And wanted me to watch with him

So when I drove two hours to get him

I felt like I was in jail

Stuck in Spanish-language

Tele-novella hell

And I wanted to criticize him

Tell him to get off his ass

And live

I'd offered to move back to his country

With him

Life is an adventure

I said

But he'd seen too many of his sisters

Raped in his home country by militia men

I guess

I guess

It made sense

He didn't want to go back to his home country

It made sense

He just wanted to watch TV

But it wasn't very fair of me, I thought

To sit around him

Holding my tongue

Wishing he

Wishing the whole world

Was different

Wishing I could just marry him

And fix everything

The way I thought he might want it

Or at least the way

I thought he might want it better

But I couldn't

Besides, I told myself, maybe this

Is all just a dream

And nothing is

What it may seem

Maybe God or some higher power is in charge

And there's a master plan

I couldn't prove there wasn't

And it was a lot more pleasant

To think that there was

As he left a dozen crying messages a day

And at least as many emails

And now and then he took the bus

Leaving early in the morning

To arrive unannounced

After seven bus transfers

He thought I'd have to talk to him

After he went to all that trouble

And I did

But only while I was

Driving him home

And then the next time

Only while I drove him

To the closest

Bus stop