HEAVENLY FATHER Lyrics

Lost faith in the father

Lost faith in myself

Lost faith in what I see

Lost faith, I'm giving in

Giving up

Lost faith in the trust

Broken promises I made

I can't handle all the shame

Always swore I would never be like him

Abandonment it runs deep

Should be the eighth deadly sin

But maybe it's just angst

Words that form themselves in trance

Shut my mind off, let the soliloquies dance

I don't know what to say

When faced with my problems I just hide away

Always running from consequence

Tryna make change out of pounds and pence

Money in my wallet goes to a fix for my head

You could call it medication, more like meditation

On a theme of make believe I'm steady chasing

Making conversation with the man upstairs

But I don't hear a reply, wonder why I even try

Was everything just a lie?

Making mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountains

It's an Everest I'm mounting tryna rid myself of doubting

That this could ever be anything

Picket fencing, but I'm just venting

So this the second side of therapy

Ain't nobody there for me

Staring at a corner rhyming bout the way it's meant to be

Never make any changes

As I carry on aging

Getting older but not wiser

Always be a stunted child

Personality deficit

Born without a pot for piss

Growing up I wasn't shit

Still waiting for the opposite

Never tried to make a hit

Only tried to blend the sound

Covering the same old ground

Don't know why I'm still around

Lord knows that I shouldn't

The things I regret

The things that I couldn't

Pile up on top of me

So heavy that I cannot breathe

Wish they'd just let go of me

I'd repent for my sins

But what's the use of repent when I'm gonna relive them

Too many addictions

I ain't fixin'

Lifetime never promised for a sharp mind

Not on witty shit, my neurones cut like razor wire

I'm scared of myself

Sick of being scared of the future

I was running from the jump, man my guilt was heavy

I had your body on my mind all through February

Thought the grieving should have stopped

I thought my heart was ready

I thought id made it through worst

But the worst was yet to come

Sixteen, far too young for a cemetery

I just wish I could have helped

Wish I picked up the phone

I was chasing one more high as your spirit returned home

Just wish I could see your face

Show you where you could have been

Lifetime never promised but we keep living for the dreams

My mind's on holiday, feels like it's there to stay

As I just waste away, same four walls every day

And every face I see, they all turn into you

But I'm just lying to myself, there's nobody else like you

I'm just tryna get my mind right

All these hopeless nights, dreaming 'bout the limelight

But everything is nothing, if there's no-one left to share it with

So this one is for you, my rose, my everything

Bottled up

All the feelings that I kept inside

Bubble over out the side

I guess that's why I wrote these rhymes

It's been weighing on my mind

Since the day I missed your funeral

A continent between us though

I never had a chance to go

I never got to say goodbye

I guess that's why I use your name

Just to carry on a legacy

I hope you're smiling down on me

I hope that you're still proud of me

Everything I used; tried getting over you

Couldn't get used to you living in a casket

Weaker than tomorrow, but stronger than yesterday

Every day I make it through, forever dedicate to you

I'm just tryna get my mind right

All these hopeless nights, dreaming 'bout the limelight

But everything is nothing, if there's no-one left to share it with

So this one is for you, my rose, my everything

Crawl out from under the overdose

Plainclothes watching so I gotta keep my secret close

Timecode, run it back

Wake up in an ambulance

Got marks, ain't running track

If it's a race, call this a record setting victory lap

Ten seconds from the top to the bottom

Ain't a fucking role model

I'm just stuck in all my problems

They're killing me

Hallucination slowly turns reality

I used to promise I would never touch sniff

That's a lie; I just said it cause I couldn't admit

That hope was never there, only saw the despair

Generational pain, was my mother's cross I bear

And her mother and her mother and her fucking grandmother

Fear and anxiety set in my biology

Studied chemistry, never got good grades

But I'm street smart, I know exactly what to take

Physically, I'm falling apart

Try to stay together, I'm never easy on the heart

Marathon lines in these troubling times

One day ill drop I'm sure the choice was never mine

If it was would be through by now

But I'm still here somehow

Stand up and take a bow

It all stops when the penny drops

Living ghoul, a paradox

The holy gates forever locked

Guess I get what I deserve, don't I?

It all stops when the penny drops

Guess I got what I deserved

Isolation served with a side of just deserts

Yeah, I guess it's all my fault

Smoking grade waiting for my early grave

Man, it's just too much to take

Just threw up in the lobby

Escorted outside, dare security to stop me

Only there for a link

Stop and think

Watch my life toppling down

Let the public gather round

I put my heart out on display

I left my mind backstage

Like a bird let out a cage

I'm never coming back again

Separate myself from pain

Depersonalisation

That isn't me in the mirror

Just the ghost of paths I've taken

Fork in the road where the two shall meet

Both come to same defeat

Ain't no sermon left to preach

Ain't no lesson left to teach

Just don't repeat my mistakes

End of line, turn the page

Guess I get what I deserve don't I?

It all stops when the penny drops

Yeah, I'm a wordsmith with a black heart

Got trouble making bright art

Figure out where time starts

To take the course of life by both hands, tender touches

The joyous straws I'm clutching, strands of hope there's an angel coming

So I guess this is a happy song

Lord knows, I never wrote one before

I don't know where to start, I guess we play our parts

It's my god given gift to profit off my darkest thoughts

Lord take me to a place where the sun shines

A little place that's just mine 'til I fizzle out and flatline

Where i can sit on the beach, read a book and drink some white wine

Look at the waves coming in, when it's high tide

I'll stay inside with candle light, flip the record to the other side

Mitchell at her finest is the soundtrack of my perfect night

In the morning, rain is pouring but I don't care,

Feet up, hot chocolate in the armchair

And on another day you'll see me there

Staring at the waves again

In my head without a care

You'll find me in my happy place

We all need solace sometimes

A place to rest our minds

When troubles start to climb

We all need an escape

From the monotony

The constant threat of loneliness

When checks don't come with bonuses

When the stress that's piling on just gets too much

Create a little getaway you can trust

Know the corners of your mind can get scary

I know you have the power, turn your demons into fairies

And then you can be free

However temporary

Shut the world off

Live in the imaginary

Self-dependence is the hardest learned lesson

It's your strongest weapon in a world that's out to get you

But maybe it's not, maybe everyone cares

There's beating hearts behind vacant passing stares

They too have their worries, may not show it in their face

But maybe, they too found solace in their happy place

And on another day you'll see me there

Staring at the waves again

In my head without a care

You'll find me in my happy place

Heavenly father, gotta say I ain't been sleeping well

Keeping well, think I lost my faith in a wishing well

I take a coin and flip it, all comes clear as it falls

This ain't heaven's gates, but I see death, feel the claws

If not today then it could always be tomorrow

Our time is borrowed, no use wasting it in sorrow

So I've been working on myself, have I made you proud?

I'm just looking for a signal that you're still around

Heavenly father, it's been six years since I've seen her last

I still apologise, but it could not have been her time to pass

She was just a kid, with a whole life ahead of her

But now her only memory lies in roses and vetiver

Same patches of grass they lined with tiny tombstones

Never got to grow, but I guess it's all part of your plan

Maybe you're the same as I am, we all make mistakes

Made in the image of God, he got a babyface

Heavenly father, it's been five years since we met

Every day is on repeat, I hope it's coming to an end

Cut the outro, just fade out from the chorus

What's your plan moving forward, is there any more for us?

If you really got it mapped out, then it's destiny

And it doesn't matter what I do, everything was meant to be

So you took her from me, you nearly killed my mother

This is all your fault, guess you really ain't all loving

'Cause you're the cause of all this hurt

Maybe they flew too close to the sun, do angels wings get burnt?

Heavenly father, guess you deserted me again

But I'm gonna see you soon, we'll talk through it then

Fuck leaving a note, this is an open letter

So when we meet again they'll understand me that much better

Heavenly father, I just don't know what to do

Always looking for a cause, never thought bout blaming you

Cause we're put on this earth with the illusion of free choice

And with free will, we still choose to let the blood spill

Over the same fields with symbols of her memory

Enough is not enough, this conversations killing me

Father please hear me, I've been crying out for so long

I don't know how I can go on, knowing my whole life been so wrong

Never truly believed, I always wanted to

Total absolution in Christ, for the price of faith in you

I think that everybody has that moment

Where they have to take their pain and own it

Or they pass along the onus

In the firing of buckshot, you always catch a stray

Protect the holy spirit, keep the good followers safe

Father, hear me now, if you're still around

If you're still in every creature that ever made a sound

When they die, does a piece of you die too?

So we're not killing each other, we're only really killing you

And if I kill myself

Then your voice is gone for good

Think God forgot me on the rocks in search of cleaner fresher fruit

My spirit's destitute, ain't no hell or purgatory

Ain't nobody praying for me, I'm always by myself, I'm lonely

Even when we speak, I feel this bitter distance

There's a universe between us, this time I truly mean it

You say we'll meet again; if not now then when?

Maybe we're better off friends, still be together in the end

When our bodies laying dormant, food for worms and thought before us

As together we stay haunted by the things that always taunt us

Life's unanswered questions didn't get any clearer

Gather the sinners and believers see which side should truly lead us

Cause I been following leaders, playing both sides

Lighting sage that's wrapped in bible pages, praying over lay lines

High tales with some low lives, high fashion comes with low pride

Quick tumble but a slow rise, I fumbled but it's alright

Heavenly father, there's only one thing left to do

'Cause I was never scared of death, I was only scared of you

We'll talk through it then

The choir sings again

Just a mortal man

Life comes quick

But I don't care about it

Got nothin' left to give

Got nothin' left to live for

Keep 'em away, I'll come when it's safe

Keep 'em away, I'll come when it's safe

Keep 'em at bay, don't know when it's safe, yea

Demons at bay, I'll come when it's safe

Know it ain't safe, when I get messy

Know I was born with no blessing

Hit 14 before he met me

Father to only my chemistry

Raised by a single mother

Only child no brothers

Stayed inside under covers

Rope tied round my curtain rail for comfort

Saw the light on the other side say time to go

Closed eyes, I was born again paved a new road

Touched ground, left astound, dead on arrival

Came back same old shit plague my mind

Ways I found put me in the ground

Nodding out, same repeating sound

Keep 'em away, I'll come when it's safe

Keep 'em away, I'll come when it's safe

Keep 'em at bay, don't know when it's safe, yea

Demons at bay, I'll come when it's safe

Promises, sick of empty promises

Sick of my incompetence

Sick of fucking consequence

Never knew I'd make it

Never thought I'd see the day

Face the cause of my mistakes

Tomorrow's already laid to waste

May wake up in casket case

Plans I made meant nothing, knew I'd flake

Life was never promised, could be mine he takes

All choices are final, hope it's mine he takes

My broken body dropping, Lord, please keep me safe