Brutally Honest 2 Lyrics

I don't know how to start it

I feel like my head is clouded

I feel like since I was carted

To hospital I been out of it

Tachycardia hearted

My brain is behind a shroud

Formerly high regarded

But currently feeling down

My thoughts are bouncing around in my head like it's pinball

But if I'm around a crowd it's like I could hear pins fall

I see things a little different

The image burn in my retina

Nothing there when I'm listening

What I heard was malevolent

Giving my affidavit just make it feel validated

I'm begging to get it out but this track I already hate it

I'm googling psychosis

Not telling my homies

I feel like it'd drive home the idea my mind's gone

And 23 years of living and not a speck on the record

But 24 years of living I think I'm ready to exit

Memories from today are suddenly feeling distant

The border of dream and reality is constantly shifting

I barely dream anymore and I used to keep 'em in lists

I once had feet on the floor and now I'm an apparition

My body and mind are sober

To substance I can't attribute

Decomposition of mental

I'm simply losing my grip

Maybe it's cause I'm clean and it's all psychosomatic

I look at mirror and see I'm either psycho or addict

I'm scared to go to the doctor

I don't want em to confirm it

I'm randomly getting hostile

My feelings randomly hurting

The gerbil inside my noggin is tossing and fucking turning

Religion of hypochondria

Long ago I converted

I close my eyes and the colors and shapes are extremely vivid

The internet says it's normal but I'm not really convinced

I'm thinking maybe it's something in me that's always existed

And alcohol and dissociatives only made me resist it

It's like I covered my window with mud until it was splattered

And then I wipe it away and I realize the window's shattered

I don't know which I prefer

Rather get it refurbished

House itself is okay

The attic should be repurposed

Housekeeper is a therapist

Promise to keep it furnished

Don't look inside the window it makes me extremely nervous

Is it hallucination or maybe I'm schizophrenic

Maybe it's my anxiety, all of it in my head

But I'd rather go get a medic

But now the bills are impending

I already fried my liver which drained me of every penny

Propranolol and the Antabuse

Ativan and the Xanax

With none of which that I've touched

I'm afraid it puts me in panic

Although 3 out of the 4 of 'em meant to stop it

I can't get over the fact the side effects may be what makes me manic

Or sends me over the edge

And I kinda made me a pledge

That I'd keep up the streak of sobriety for at least a second

And now it's been seven months and each second is getting tougher

And not to mention the music

This album is never coming

I keep on doing these features

But solo tracks are amounting

I'm running out of ideas

My writer's block insurmounted

The track you're currently hearing is coming from desperation

I'm on the way back from wedding

A good reminder I'm hated

These symptoms of which I've listed are opposite of abating

And now I'm getting berated by self

Why aren't you dating

I had an excuse for years

I gained a whole lotta weight

My confidence at its lowest

Despair and the self hatred

But now that I've lost it all

I'm running out of excuses

I empty my bank account and I spend each dollar on shoes

I get me designer clothes and I spray it down with perfume

I'm only making the effort for superficial improvement

Face is so fucking stupid

Weight loss is so facetious

No amount of Dasani can change the color of teeth

Hairline is going backward

Underbite going forward

My smile is fucking crooked

My stomach is fucking horrid

I'm not body dysmorphic

I'm simply stating the truth

My head is on way too tight to think of knocking it loose

I'd rather work out my issues without any medication

I feel like that'd be the cleanest

I even tried meditation

But how do I climb a mountain without any celebration

Instead to see 50 more as shoes tear at the laces

I have a hundred good friends

But have I returned the favor

Or have they returned the favor

I don't know if I'm the savior

Or if I'm the broken angel

It's hard enough to keep track

Of AA meetings each day let alone if I'm giving back

And I've always been one to check in on friends cause it's so important

But in the back of my mind I wonder if I've annoyed 'em

I don't wanna come off like I'm the one that's anointed

And Heaven knows I have issues

I hear em at each appointment

And every therapy session my doctor says I'm a hero

He can't see behind the curtains much less see into my mirror

I had a job interview and I can't believe that I missed it

That shit was my dream job and somehow was realistic

They sent me an email and even though I was looking

For messages every day

I think that I had mistook it

As spam or solicitation a month and a half late

Distressed when I called 'em back and they sealed me up with my fate

This shit is doubly awful when I been trying to move

Up out of LA to home so I get back in my groove

And that's a whole other story

This city is moving fast

I truly do love the culture but personalities clash

And my engineer is here

He's truly a fucking legend

And I had checked my IG

You'll never guess who had messaged

My number one fucking idol had hit me up with his number

He told me to hit him up so I did thinking it was nothing

He said that he's been listening

Really fucks with my music

So how in the fuck could I ever consider moving

If I stay then I'm healthy in body but not the mind

If I move then I'm safe but my career will start declining

If I stay then I'm taking advantage of opportunity

If I leave then I'm starting the path to hopefully newer me

There's not a perfect answer

I don't think there ever was

And please don't look in my window

I'm trying to keep it shut