Alumni Weekend Lyrics

The year she graduated

Columbia disintegrated

Hummers roamed the Middle East

While she partied like a beast

Twenty years on she's coming home

The trees are grown, old gym is gone

The class of '03 congregate

They're in the mood to celebrate

Ah, ah, the campus is prepped

The mascot's out, the grounds are kept

The president talks the same old crap

They're all half-drunk before it's dark, and

Oh, oh, the stage is set,

Donor Relations want their check

A random professor gives a talk

They would all much rather take a walk ['cause]

It's alumni weekend, when we all pretend

We just turned in our senior thesis, my friend

Your life just hasn't started yet but you're already deep in debt

And you party like the dean of students is dead

Back home a twelve-year-old,

A second grader, a man gone bald

The husband she still cares about

Takes her for granted there's no doubt

Over here, fairy dust

Nostalgia with a whiff of lust

Alma mater, look away

Trouble's there at the buffet

Oh, oh, the stage is set,

She knows that man, oh, she would bet

The sweetest fling from sophomore year

Her sexiled roommate's nightmare

Ah, ah, he's by the shrimp

She makes her move, she not a wimp

"Remember me?", of course he does

They dance together, God they're buzzed

And they walk back, hand in hand

What they're up to, they understand

The Doubletree's just up the hill

And though the ground is wobbly, her mind is clear

She's got free will despite the beer

And as her pretty summer dress falls to the floor

In the twirling darkness of room 304

She's a 19-year-old English major

In the arms of a drunken junior

It's alumni weekend, when we all pretend

We just turned in our last final, my friend

No Title IX repression of our sexual ambitions

And what happens on the quad stays there

It's alumni weekend, when we all pretend

We just turned in our last final, my friend

There's a party with a keg, and no ID's being checked

And the class of '53 are not the only ones in bed

When she gets home, they're all asleep

Kisses the kiddoes, tries not to weep

Quietly slides into their bed

Gives him a sweet peck on the head