Homeless Lyrics

Hi, if you are calling you already know who this is.

Sorry, I cannot pick your call right now, please leave a message and I’ll call you right back. Bye.

Hello, I’m calling from student services, you have been missing classes and significant assignment deadlines.

Hello I’m calling from Lightpark, you booked an appointment for 1 pm today but did not show up.

Hey, I have been trying to reach you for a couple days now, its not nice that you just ghosted me like that, call me back, hmm.

My best friend asks me “how are you today?”

I respond: I am fine, you?

But what I really want to ask is “how do you make a home in yourself?”

“how do you heal a wound wrapped around every breath you take?”

I slip into my bed

and cry a storm into the sheets.

My mother walks in and asks

“aren’t you tired of always being sad?”

Mother, how do I ward off these soldiers in my head who shoot down anything that dares to dance with joy?

She responds “You see only the negative.”

I protest “My glasses are stained with my blood; I cannot see the light.”

My brother looks at my sticky notes from 2 years ago, and says, “Why do you keep saying things but never doing them? Why do you waste away your potential?”

He is right

but how do I stop my dreams from decaying under my feet, when my legs have been chained down with fear?

I think it’s the PTSD from the war in my head.

To everyone who has an opinion about people wrestling battles like mine.

Here’s a glimpse into my mind.

I am floating ash,

on a journey without destination,

searching for something that isn’t missing,

burning in a fire with no flame,

swimming on dry land,

and hoping that I find home.

Sometimes home feels like

lying out of my body feeling

free from this endless war.

On most days,

I am a soldier without a nationality,

not fighting for the world,

not fighting for myself,

but just fighting to survive my own head.

It is why I am always exhausted.

But everyone says you’re lazy, you’re full of excuses.

But have you tried doing something…doing anything…with a war raging in your head?

Every day I battle with feeling like an uninvited guest in myself, in the world.

Life has painted the welcome home sign black,

and now I can’t find it in this darkness.

Someone tweeted once that depressed people are seeking attention “Why don’t you just end it all if it’s truly that bad?"

I confess,

I am sometimes a coward,

I cannot set off a nuclear bomb to end it all,

I don’t have only hate, just hate for myself.

The love in me is for my loved ones,

and it is what has jammed the end button to my life.

So on some days, their smiles give me the strength to build a bunker, a safe space to hide away from all this pain.

I share memes in their DMs.

I tell a funny story once again.

I find ways to be happy again.

The war seems to be ending again.

Until

I get blown up all over again.

and I am reminded

that some wars never end,

and some homes are never complete.