The Fruitcake Song Lyrics

You can give me eggnog whether it's got rum or not

I won't refuse a toddy if you make it nice and hot

But if you try to serve me fruitcake, I will scream and run away

'Cause fruitcake is the devil and it's leading me astray

Ancients made up holidays to finish off the year

Mistletoe and frankincense and universal cheer

But then they spoiled it all with fruitcake, the confection of the beast

It's the chewy evil apex of some dark satanic feast

Fruitcake, fruitcake

As tasty as a tree

Just a bite will make my tooth break

And the dentist don't come free

Out west they fling their fruitcake with a homemade trebuchet

Or use it as a tire block so their cars won't roll away

But there's some crazy hippies smoke it; they're the ones you must avoid

'Cause if you inhale that fruitcake then your soul will be destroyed

Fruitcake, fruitcake

You'll be the death of me

Just the thought will make my mind ache

And corrupt my sanity

You can give me crap for my alarmist point of view

Tell me I need therapy, and it may well be true

Still I won't consort with candied maraschino cherry glaze

'Cause fruitcake is the devil and it haunts me all my days

Yes, fruitcake is the devil and it's leading me astray

Oh fruitcake, you're the devil, and you're leading me astray