Ham House Lyrics

Never forget the first time they met

He'd fallen asleep in the middle of class

Supposed to be taking an important test

But instead of a pencil had his head on the desk

At an Ivy League school mind you one of the best

He was training to become an architect

Professor look up and softly he said, "Are you awake, Everett?"

Everett woke up said, "Yes, yes, yes" and went about cleaning the drool off his desk

He'd stayed up all night to study this shit

Now could not remember which building was which

Supposed to be matching a name to a picture

But for the life of him he could not remember

There were buildings with brick and buildings on stilts

And buildings that wish they had never been built

Houses in this color and others in that

And ones without windows and others all glass

There's a tower that soars and a low-lying morgue

And a big box store and one place without a door

But it all looked the same to Everett

Until he saw one he'll never forget

It was absolutely fantastic, brilliant, magnificent

He was in love

He rushed up front to turn in his test

Said, "Go on, go ahead, just give me an F

To be honest professor I'm awful sick

I best go home and get me some rest

"Before I go I'm so curious

Would you tell me the name of this last one?" he asked

Teacher said, "That one there is the Ham House

It's right here in Connecticut

You haven't seen it before I have to admit

I just threw it on there for a little extra credit"

Mr. and Mrs. Ham were at the driving range

A beautiful day for practicing

Mr. Ham had taught his wife how to swing

She could hammer a ball way out on the green

Her swing was impeccable perfectly clean

It was one of the best that he had ever seen

She shredded the target right off the tee

She could sail a golf ball 900 feet

Meanwhile Everett had showed up at their house

He had to come and check it out

Was the most remarkable place he'd seen before

Went right up and knocked the cleaning lady answered the door

She said, "I'm sorry sir this is a private space"

Says, "Please, ma'am I need one little taste

Glimpse of the inside and I'll be on my way"

Before she could say no he'd stepped into the entryway

"Now sir I have to ask you to leave!"

But Everett already kicked his shoes off his feet

He hung up his coat said, "I'll just be a minute

Now make yourself useful why not show me the kitchen?"

Now the maid got scared she turn and run

Went for the phone to dial 911

But Everett he wanted the house to himself

So this is when the story really goes south

He grabbed ahold of the innocent maid

That poor old lady earning minimum wage

And wrapped her up with a roll of duct tape

Said, "I'm terribly sorry I can't let you escape"

At last Everett had the house all alone

Almost as if it were his actual home

The most beautiful place he'd ever done gone

He said, "This is where I belong"

First thing he did was open the fridge

Took a big swig out of the milk carton

When all of the sudden it dawned on him

Exactly what it was that he would do next

In order to soak in the total experience

He would need a bubble bath rinse

So up to the master bath full steam ahead

To turn on the faucets and get totally naked

Everett bathed he thought, "This is the life"

The Ham House is most certainly paradise

Mr. and Mrs. Ham they were headed back home

They'd packed up their clubs in their convertible

Drove it real fast down a suburban road

Laughing and listening to pop radio

They couldn't have known what was in store

'Till they saw the car of the maid and an open front door

Mr. parked the Mercedes said, "Something is up

Honey I'll go in first why don't you grab the clubs?"

He walked in his kitchen saw a boy at the stove

Who was frying an egg without any clothes

And dripping with water right down to his toes

When all of the sudden up popped two slices of toast

Mr. Ham he let out a gasp

That old man had cardiac arrest

The boy just smiled said, "Thank goodness you're back

Where in tarnation are your bath towels at?"

Right at that moment Mrs. Ham came in with a scream

And gave her golf club a violent swing

Planted the 9 iron on Everett's face

and blew out Everett's Ivy League brain