Ladies & Gentlemen Lyrics

My kids will end up junkies if I kill myself today

So I hold my head up high and greet the crowd who gladly paid

Ladies and Gentlemen my name is whatever you'd like it to be

Now here's some songs I didn't write I hope you like the way I sing

Too many people love to thank me with free drinks and free cocaine

Should I take another sip or should I blow out all my brains?

I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do with all my time

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to me attempting to not kill myself tonight

But when I need to make that phone call all my friends are dead asleep

So I confide in drunken barstool maids with lipstick on their teeth

Speaking in riddles laced with empathy and love to fill my head

You know I know they just want to replace the husbands in their beds

So if you want me to be honest, I'm doing well and how are you?

Life is grand and mom and dad are proud of all the things I do

Ladies and Gentlemen, I know this isn't what you paid to see

But I'm alone tonight and therapy costs more than I can make in one week

My kids will end up junkies if I kill myself today

So I hold my head up high and greet the crowd who gladly paid

Ladies and Gentlemen my name is whatever you'd like it to be

Now here's a song I wrote to cope I hope you like my melody

And there's just one thing that I'll leave you with and I'll close the show tonight

You've been such a lovely audience and I didn't mean to frighten you

Now please go out, enjoy yourselves, remember this advice:

Ladies and Gentlemen check on your friends and make sure they're alright tonight

Ladies and Gentlemen check on your friends and make sure they're alright tonight