The Big Sleep Lyrics

You've heard the sales pitch from Eternal Rest, now it's time to show you the best!

Hoping to die in your sleep? We all are!

Alleviate the stress and anguish your lifeless corpse will bring to your living family by buying a Big Sleep Coffin now!

Why buy a Cadillac you can only drive when you are dead,

When you could start using a Big Sleep Coffin to rest your head?

One eight hundred,

U die now.

That's one eight hundred,

Eight three four,

Three six six nine.

Call today!

One eight hundred,

U die now.

That's one eight hundred,

Eight three four,

Three six six nine.

Call today!

Our vessels are equipped with eco-friendly foams,

Specifically engineered to remain robust and spongy while you are tethered to this mortal coil,

But begin to biodegrade with the absence of oxygen characteristic of being six feet under.

Consider our coffins your viking longboat to the afterlife.

Your body and your coffin will feed future generations, just as nature intended!

No one wants to leave their house anyway.

Go straight from your bedchamber to your burial chamber posthaste!

Big Sleep Coffins are infinitely customizable.

Try out all the configurations and I guarantee you will find you'd die for!

One eight hundred,

U die now.

That's one eight hundred,

Eight three four,

Three six six nine.

Call today!

Let's talk about security.

Our patented Death Trap technology, available in optional package and trim kits,

Can be wired to any standard smart home system such as Google Home, Alexa, and more.

Home invasion detected?

Death Trap will slam your Big Sleep Coffin shut at a moments notice,

With Flesh Saver sensors ensuring your extremities and familiars are clear of the Crunch Bone Zone before encasing you in an impregnable fortress of solitude.

Add on the optional Blaster omni-directional flamethrower array,

Many of which have been refurbished from the nineteen ninety eight defense of Johannesburg,

To mercilessly melt away any nearby assailants while you stay safe and warm in your own personal Big Sleep Battle Center.

Grave-robbers beware!

Our patented Cotton Candy Cloud Bravais lattice mattress material mimics the experience of being in the womb while providing unparalleled support.

So comfy you'll want to jump in headfirst!

Just be careful you don't preemptively start your eternal slumber, defined as the absence of cardiovascular activity to the brain for 15 minutes or more.

But wait!

There's more!

Those handles aren't just for pallbearers anymore!

Our Death Grippers are ISO thirty three thirty five certified and reviewed by the National Association for the Advancement of Science & Art in Sexuality,

As well as the Sexual Performance team at Underwriters Laboratories to ensure maximum reliability and structural soundness while being customizable for any size, thrust strength, mobility-need, etcetera!

All that and much, much more could be yours right now!

New customers rest easy with the Big Sleep Coffin Just Recompense customer satisfaction program…

If you aren't confident within 90 days that you'll drop dead from comfort before you've dropped dead from simply living life, you'll get your money back.

Call in the next five minutes to receive twenty percent off the purchase of a second Big Sleep Coffin!

One eight hundred,

U die now.

That's one eight hundred,

Eight three four,

Three six six nine

Call now!

Big Sleep, how can I help you?