Solitude Lyrics

Attention friends and family

You are all such empty, pathetic people

That I often considered not leaving a suicide note at all

Because after all, you people aren't worth it

But that's rude, I changed my mind

I want anyone and everyone to know what happened here

To my wife, Charlotte

Hopefully it has become obvious to everyone in our lives

That I would still be an architect if it weren't for you

You were always criticizing me, attacking me

Nothing I ever did was good enough for you

I suppose you expect me to cherish you

For finally helping me get clean

After years of enabling me

But I never got clean for longer than 8 seconds at a time

I was a young child with a lot of talents

I could have been a developer, an architect, an engineer

But because I used to hang out with jazz musicians in the early '60s

I have to pay the cost of being helplessly addicted to

Heroin, marijuana, and OpenBSD for the rest of my life

My potential was stunted at a very young age

And I blame my parents for that

It's a shame those eight rehab programs never worked

Thanks for letting me die thousands of dollars in debt

I attended private school in Billings, Montana, even though

I lived in the Busby-Lame Deer Community school district

Wellington Wood Academy gave me a thirst for learning

And an immense disdain for being taught

My early years as an adolescent were spent in a fury

Trying and failing to learn x86 assembly

And copy and pasting answers from the Board Games Stack Exchange

During this time I experimented heavily with crayons

My 23-year marriage with Charlotte is, was

And will always be completely empty

It was hopeless, tired, and devoid of any human emotion

We felt nothing for each other from day one

She knew it as well as I did

It was because of this that I cheated on her with

Betty, Polly, Sue, News Stand Girl, Redhead at Dave Matthews Concert, Monaeiqua

LaShaunDay Day, the Waitress in Budapest with the nose rings and stomach tattoo

Bernadette, Tiffany the Real Estate agent, and several underage

Brazilian prostitutes whose names I've never bothered to learn

Because of their vocation and their stunning lack of

Contraceptives and spermicides

I'm shamefully and terribly sorry

I probably would have cleaned up my act if I was

Really in love with Charlotte, but I wasn't

The worst thing I ever did was sleep with her sister

For four years: the belly-button years

I would like to shamefully and humbly apologize to my son

Whom I assaulted with a sock full of pennies when he was only a tyke

At the ripe young age of 4, when Narrator Jr. was a little fuck

He was very talented at building symmetrical, geometrically correct

And detailed structures; in a nutshell, Legos

He had built the top 22 stories of the Empire State Building

I have a very foggy memory of that night because I had lost $14,000 at the casino

And was strung out on Crystal PTSD

I told Charlotte it was just Max Wellman

But from what witnesses tell me, I destroyed his Empire State Building

And broke his heart

This was partially your mother's fault

For enabling me and letting me throw away our life savings countless times

To my daughter, Jacqueline

I know having your father commit suicide when you're - 18 now, right?

Can only fracture your life and give you even more problems with men later on

For that I apologize

But to directly address what you said to me last week: Fuck you too

Try not to key up my headstone your family

Can barely afford the way you did my Mercedes

From when I was 25 til about 40, I was really into taxidermy

It was a cheap way to kill and torture animals

I got to arrange their bodies into hilarious positions

And stuff them with cotton balls and styrofoam

I even made them little costumes

I made a fire department made of little squirrels in fireman costumes

A police force of possums, and

A flock of seagulls dressed up as A Flock of Seagulls doing

Their hit song from the '80s (It was a weird time)

Even though I loved taxidermy

And I loved mutilating what were once defenseless animals,

I absolutely hated the smell of dead things

Charlotte threw out my collection multiple times due to it

As the stuffed brigade was starting to traumatize the children

The squirrels and neighborhood rodents were often missing eyes, tails, or limbs

And a fire marshal and his fanny pack full of raisins accidentally fell on

The heads of our dinner party guests while they were

Putting their coats away in the closet

That ruined everyone's appetite for veal

But made for great dinner conversation

My parents began sending me to psychiatrist appointments at the age of 9

Most of them pronounced my name wrong

Emphasizing the "tor" instead of the "Nar"

As in "nar a-Tor"

I mostly lied to them and made up things about my life

Anything to get the attention off of my real issues

I played them all like a fiddle

Usually getting them to prescribe me Vyvanze and Adderall

Once Klonopin, and to tell the truth

I bet a lot of so-called psychopaths are capable of it

I destroyed all of my relationships before they even started

I knew what would have really happened if I had told them the truth

That I was playing them for drugs, that I killed small animals for fun, that I

Masturbated in my little sister's room weekly for a sexual thrill,

That I frequently self-harmed by sticking needles in my pelvis

They would have locked me up in the looney bin and threw away the key

Now, my biggest and perhaps only sincere apology of this entire letter

I humbly apologize to the Sheraton Hotels Cleaning Service and Chambermaids' Union Local 722

Not only for my rudeness to their intrusion

During my autoerotic asphyxiation two hours prior

But for the enormous amount of blood and brains

I'm about to blow all over their steamed, tucked cotton sheets

I should have put a tarp on the bed

Now I considered a lot of methods to suicide before deciding on the

.357 my father gave me for my 20th birthday

I would have went with an old-fashioned hanging

It would have been convenient since I had the belt out to choke myself with

While I was masturbating to Asian fetuses

But my neck has been so sore and stiff from doing that so much

That I just didn't want to have any more strain

It itches, I also don't want to be found that way, by anyone

The idea of an overdose is tempting

And I do appreciate the thrilling irony of a long-recovered drug addict

Who has overdosed on accident multiple times, using his own placebos

And withdrawal medications to die on purpose

Too stupid

If I'm leaving this world high, I want to get really fucked up

And since Charlotte threw out my little black book of dope dealers

My second-to-last rehab trip, I've had no way of getting any

So overdose is out of the question

Plus, I've gotten a good look at a guy who tried

To kill himself by overdosing and lived

He had the mind of a two-year old and drooled creamed corn

On his Thomas the tank engine sweater