in the morning every day Lyrics

I've been trying to find a socially acceptable way to tell you

You make me wanna die and i don't even know you

I know i hurt your friends, that's why we're no longer friends

Did you think that i don't think about it, did you there was an end

To me tryna figure out where the fuck i went wrong

Did you think you could treat me like that and not end up in a song

About how i think about it every day

Cos i think about it every day

I know i need professional help, i'm not doing well on my own

No matter how hard i try to learn new skills alone

For three years i did research and took notes and made lists

Of what i thought i would cover if i had a therapist

Well that shit went nowhere, i was stuck and freaking out

Till i got a real therapist and we talked about

What i think of every single day

Cos i think about it every day

I hate that i couldn't be the friend that they needed

They tried to be patient till they were totally defeated

I thought it was largely my fault for being too afraid

To truly let them in and look at the mess i made

Cos we all grew with wounds that we don't know how to heal

I know it's too little too late, but know that it's real

I was ensnared in the web of an elaborate smear campaign

Ten years in the making when one pounced on the shame

And used it as a weapon, but called it a great gift

He told me i was useless and salvation was him

Somehow i lost my way and learned that i was no good

I trusted when he said i couldn't see what my problem was

Every time he found a new way to put me down

Nodding passionately was the safest way out

Till everyone around me thought it all must be true

That i deserved the drowning that i was going through

Eventually i asked him to look at what i saw

And as soon as he agreed that something was wrong

The next thing that happened? he quickly cut me off

And now i think about it every day

I think about him every day

And it makes me want to die

He made me want to die

I know you won't believe what i learned about my pain

And i worry you'll get sick pleasure from it anyway

I have nightmares of you that feel so real

Of being humiliated and shoved under a train's wheels

I wake up wanting to die

And i've been wanting to die

For the past three years when before that

I didn't wanna die, but now i think about it every day

I wish i could just talk to them and try to figure out

If there's anywhere we could go from here

But i highly doubt

There's any way it would be safe for me

And that's all right i have these memories

Of when we loved each other

I'll remember that forever

I think about them every single day

I think about it every day

Now that i have true friends i don't know how to explain

Nothing i've ever felt before has come close to the same

They're brilliant and kind to me, but i'm stuck inside my head

With distorted hyper vigilance when i should trust them instead

Cos it wasn't all my fault, the way things fell apart

But i couldn't see his abuse till those kids ripped out my heart

I think about it every single day

I think about it every day

I couldn't talk about it cos i didn't know how to feel

The ugly things and small ways that they made me feel

But it's all making sense now, i know what's true

I finally figured out what's me and what's you

One in particular was the charmer of them all

Following his lead they saw in me what he saw

And for a long time, i believed it too

While biting my tongue till my tongue was blue

It took five years to finally lift the shroud

And begin to clearly see what was following me around

It took so long to start to stop wanting to die

And the interim was suffering, it was so hard to survive

And the thing that made it worth it is what got me stuck at first

I think friendship is holy barring narcissism's curse

I think about it every single day

I think about it every day

I suspect that there's still people

Who he tripped into a free fall

Who would say i'm full of shit

That i'm simply delusional

But that's more proof for me

That his abuse was complete

He picked apart my friendships

And destroyed my credibility

I think about it every single day

I think about it every day

I've been trying to find a socially acceptable way to tell you

You make me wanna die and i don't even know you

I think about it every day