Of All The Ways This Could've Gone... Lyrics

The cab fare ate a chunk of his college fund

That's okay, art history's not about to change

Makes his way back from New York City to see a half-decent cover band

Offers up some badly-sketched Monet in exchange

The conversion rate was easy, it's not worth shit

So he washes dishes in the backseat to earn his keep

He invests in a cape and calls himself the Count of some island somewhere

And PBS just sues him in their sleep

Of all the ways

Of all the ways this could've gone

The eyes-wide-shut party was half of a civil war

The ayes won out and a bill became a law

The bug-eyed turtle mascot says something homophobic

Amidst skin-headless neo-Nazi hushed applause

Of all the ways

Of all the ways this could have gone

Foucault swings his pendulum towards a barstool

Hitting on some barefoot stranger half his age

He goes into a panoptic proposition

Caught on camera by some guy who missed the stage

Cab pulls up, a plate flies out the window

The din of dinner crashes to a halt

The Partridge family dinner tree called into question

FUCK

Of all the ways

Of all the ways this could have gone