To Be Honest Lyrics

That's what it boils down to

Casual greetings

Hide thoughts that are fleeting

But, how am I, really?

I've been hiding the truth

Cuz it's not so appealing

I'm supposed to be healing

But all I've done is lost with the cards

That they've been dealing

Might not be ideal but

It's time that I tell you how I'm really feeling

Tonight I walked up to the mirror with a knife

Put it up to my neck

I was ready to slice

Every pain that I've felt

It was fresh on my mind

And if my blood spilled

It's not like it's mine

Got my mother in me

Her life trapped in my veins

All the nights she'd stay up

And for me she would pray

Hoped through all of the bad

That the good would outweigh

But there isn't a god

Who'd take this hurt away

And trust me I tried

Every night I still plead

To whatever is out there

Hope it hears my screams

Can't it hear my voice shake

While I sob on my knees?

Can't it give me a break?

See it's something I need?

It's hard to have faith

I don't even have hope

They say it gets better

That sounds like a trope

Cuz who would want something

That's already broke?

And how can I keep on

When I barely cope?

Been ravaged my fools

But I carry that shame

As each hour passes

My brain shifts the blame

I've considered a gun

But don't quite have the aim

I'd leave myself maimed

But still stuck in the game

Starting to accept

I could live till I'm old

I'm worn and I'm torn

And I'm ready to fold

And I've never been one

To do what I'm told

But maybe if I did

I'd have someone to hold

Left side of the bed

Maybe my biggest void

All this trauma

Made my dreams of love get destroyed

It's all that I've wanted

Since playgrounds and toys

But wound up the play thing

For sinister boys

My heart became prey

Was caged like an animal

Chopped liver treatment

From some wannabe cannibal

Created confusion

These feelings infrangible

Guess it's my fault

For craving something tangible

But at least I have friends

That I've gained through the years

I've given shoulders

They won't give me an ear

Why even say that I'm hurt?

Give my pillows my tears

Perception distorted

But intentions are clear

All I've been is an object asking to be used

Pick me up, wear me out

Then distain is profuse

So instead, I've retreated

Become a recluse

It's clear I'm barely even human to you

And yeah, there's been ups

I've tasted success

Maybe I have moved forward

But have I progressed?

Maybe what I show

Could be one to profess

But at the end of the day

I'm far from impressed

I've had things I could toast to

The glasses went clink

But nothing fills the void

No matter how much I drink

It all feels like a blip

Could be gone in a blink

I can't capture it all

When the paper meets ink

Got my surgeries

In some ways complete

I'm supposed to be happy

Still dragging my feet

I'm still disappointed by men that I meet

They show that they care

And then they show deceit

Why does it feel like I need someone

Just to feel whole?

I offer my heart

They just rip out my soul

And all of this hurt's

Taken so much a toll

That I can't celebrate

No matter the goal

It feels like this pussy's

A void I can't fill

Could let someone in

But don't think that I will

Tired of using my body

Like another skill

So I guess I'm alone

Guess I'm at a standstill

These thoughts getting loud

At the fork in the road

I can't make a choice

My brain's bout to explode

A kiss from the reaper

Would help me unload

But they won't let me die

So now I'll just erode

That's what it boils down to

It feels like I'm dying

But forced to keep trying

They say that I'm flying

But if I say that I'm falling

Then nobody's buying

Sorry I can't keep lying

It's hard to be honest

Hate to sound like I'm whining

But it's hard to keep fighting

It's consumed me so long

Time to put it in writing