I Have An Issue (Note To Myself) Lyrics

I've gotten to a point in my life where

The things I've held on to have caused too much trouble

I have an issue and this issue can't fix itself

I don't think I've took the time to fully understand what this issue is

So I decided to sit here and play some notes and just let it out

I need to help myself understand what I'm going through and what I'm going to do about it

You see this issue most people would be fine with

Most people would say that's not an issue at all that's a blessing

But I've learned that over the years I used to think that it was normal

That I was normal and everybody else who had these feelings was just weird

And they didn't know how to cope with life

But I was wrong I was so wrong

This right here all of this this is the end

The end of what I used to think and what I used to feel

I don't have a drug issue

I'm not an alcoholic

I'm not depressed

I don't have a lot of anxiety

And that makes me kind of odd

I'm going to put myself in a vulnerable position right now

I was abused as a kid

I would get pinned to a wall and choked until I could not breathe

My arms would get squeezed and I never felt at ease

I would have bruises all over my body

And every time my grandparents came to pick me up from this hellful house that I stayed in

I felt the most happiest I ever felt it felt good to finally get away from this

It felt good to not feel pain But that happiness was temporary because I still had to go back home

Can you imagine the pain I felt?

To be somewhere where I felt safe and was forced to go back to hell

At a very young age I learned I did not like pain

I learned that this feeling did nothing but hurt me

It did nothing but made me feel like shit

I eventually shut that feeling off

And that's why for so long nobody saw me frown

Nobody saw me angry

Nobody saw me sad

They all saw me smile

They saw me happy

It seemed like there was nothing wrong with me

Like I was a child who never went through pain and suffering in his life

But I did and I shut it off

So I never dealt with pain

I never felt loved from my parents

So I didn't know how to express love

And I later on in life realized that you need to feel those fucking things for a relationship to work out

Because for so long I had to deal with feelings on my own

For so long I felt like I could not vent to anyone

Like I was on my own

And I'm sorry to anyone who ever tried to talk to me about what they were feeling

And I didn't know what to say

And I didn't know how to express pain or love

And I just said things like it'll be okay

But things are not okay

Sometimes things aren't fucking okay

And you just need somebody right there to listen

And understand that you're not crazy for feeling these feelings

And to you Jordan I'm sorry you could not let these feelings out

And I'm sorry you had to go so soon

And to my other brother Devin

I'm sorry I never told you that you could talk to me about anything in life

And I'm sorry to you Nick for never really listening to you I didn't know how to

And I'm sorry to you Mia for not showing love I didn't know how to express it

I didn't know how to show it

I didn't know how to be there for you when you were going through something

So my issue is I can't feel pain

Things don't affect me

Is that a good thing? I don't know

And even in this song I still don't feel those things

I mean I can come from a place where I somewhat can express these feelings

But to this day I haven't fully figured out how to express love

I haven't fully figured out how to express pain and understand feelings I'm going through

I might figure it out one day and maybe on that day I'll shed so many tears

I'll cry me a fucking river and I'll finally understand what pain is

Because to feel love and express love you must feel pain and you must feel suffering

And I'm working towards that I'm working towards feeling pain

I want to feel pain

I want to feel pain