THE GROCERY STORE Lyrics

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon and the only thing on my mind was getting a snack from the grocery store I grabbed my keys and headed out the door daydreaming about the perfect bag of chips to accompany my Netflix binge later

The fluorescent lights of the store flickered above me as I walked through the automatic doors I grabbed a basket and headed straight for the snack aisle passing by a toddler who seemed to be having a heated argument with a cabbage I shrugged it off—kids have wild imaginations right

As I reached for my favorite chips a loud crash echoed from the next aisle over Curiosity piqued I peeked around the corner to see an elderly lady brandishing a baguette like a sword fending off what appeared to be a rogue watermelon rolling towards her at an alarming speed The watermelon had a menacing grin carved into it and for a moment I wondered if I had accidentally wandered into a bizarre comedy sketch

I decided it was best to avoid the melon melee and continued down the aisle Suddenly the overhead speaker crackled to life Attention shoppers there's a sale on souls in aisle six Buy one get one free

I laughed nervously assuming it was some sort of elaborate prank and made my way to the checkout As I stood in line the cashier greeted me with a smile that seemed just a little too wide like it was stretched beyond the limits of normal human anatomy Find everything you need today? she asked her eyes never blinking

Yeah just a snack I replied trying to ignore the eerie feeling creeping up my spine

The man in front of me was purchasing an unusual assortment of items duct tape a shovel and a gallon of bleach He turned to me and whispered Gardening It's for gardening I nodded slowly inching back just a bit

Finally it was my turn The cashier scanned my chips and just as I was about to pay the lights in the store went out A deep guttural voice boomed over the intercom All hail the Dark Lord of Snacks! The lights flickered back on and standing next to the cashier was a man dressed in a hooded cloak holding a scepter made of pretzel sticks

Uh is this some kind of promotion? I asked my voice wavering

The cashier and the cloaked figure looked at each other and burst into maniacal laughter You have been chosen! they chanted in unison

I decided it was time to leave Abandoning my basket I bolted for the exit dodging a small parade of dancing tomatoes As I reached the parking lot I glanced back to see the store's windows illuminated with a strange otherworldly glow

Back in my car I took a deep breath and drove home in silence my craving for snacks thoroughly extinguished As I pulled into my driveway I made a mental note never shop for snacks on a Sunday Or maybe just never shop at that store again

I sat on my couch scrolling through a food delivery app Maybe I'd just order a pizza Less chance of encountering a cult that way Or so I hoped