The Guy Who Brings the Yo-Yos To Your Elementary School Lyrics

I am the guy who brings the yo-yos to your elementary school

You sit cross legged in the gym

Me and my headset mic will wow your friends

With ball bearings and string

And you can buy one on a whim

For only 16 of your parents' hard earned dollars

I will teach you how to walk the dog and sleep all on your own

Then at 3:15 I'll pack the unsold Fireballs into my trunk

And Breakaway to my next hotel home

I've loved fourteen third grade teachers

In eleven different counties

All along the I-5 corridor, and still

None of that compares to watching eyes fill up with wonder

Dreaming they can bend this plastic to their will

This can't last forever, but it don't get much better

Guess I have to hope that it will

When I was nineteen a recruiter showed up at my college

After my last basketball game

She said "Congrats you're done with Ju Co

"Hey I loved the way you positively motivate your team

"I bet in three months I can harness your dexterity

"And teach you all the fine points of our spiel"

She was right and by the time that I turned twenty

I spoke daily and expensed all of my meals

Now I'm 32 and I can sleepwalk through my speech

Even hungover I can hit all of my moves

But every parent hates me and nobody wants to date

The Pied Piper of public elementary schools

This can't last forever, but it don't get much better

I don't know what else I can do

Like a vampire for the kids' attention

Thriving on their stupid questions

Roll your eyes

Their love's so fucking true

Could I live a life that's stable?

Punch the clock and rock the cradle?

Is this string around me like a noose?

This can't last forever, but it don't get much better

I don't know what else I can do

I don't know what else I can do