Stared At from a Distance Lyrics

STARED AT FROM A DISTANCE

It started in 2019

People were starting to notice

That this 16-year-old kid

Was making videos and music

I think it was in January

When everything was silent

That she appeared slowly

Inside social media comments,

“Hey, I really like your stuff”

She typed one day

“I genuinely think you’re worth”

It felt nice back then, so it started

Saying the same sentence again

And again and again

Until it becomes a joke

A joke I never really cared for

Every word I said

To her was said the right way

Every song I made

Was better than the rest

She felt smart and calm

Yet she made silly jokes

She felt introverted

Yet she talked the most

She felt nice and strong

Yet she said she was fragile

She felt nice and young

Yet she was 32 years old

She infiltrated every corner of my online space

Made herself look unavoidable

She had plastered her voice and her face

As a wallpaper for my Internet existence

She made videos about me

She made drawings about me

She made music about me

She only talked about me

Fast forward a few months, she’s now considered a friend

She’s known as the nicest person on the planet

Everyone saw her as a nice aunt who likes cat gifs

Astrology and Facebook motivational quotes,

“I’m so impressed by you, Felix

You are so gifted”

It’s something she said

Way too frequently

She wanted attention

I wanted attention

She wanted attention

I craved attention

I liked her

As a friend

I liked her

As a fan

Doing anything to get to me

Like a child pulling my sleeve

In hindsight, the thing she wanted

Was pretty clear

I was slipping into dark territories

Thinking nobody would ever want me

I treated my body like shit

Took showers in the dark to not see it

Our late night talks became online venting

She knew everything about me

From the minor incidents of the daily life

To the time I was sexually abused as a kid

She changed a lot when I turned 18

One day she was in my DMs

The next she was in my apartment

Her husband got mad at her

For spending late nights on discord with children

So I told her to get out

Their relationship was toxic

I didn’t know what to do to help

So I called her every day

And so it started

That’s when she started coming to my place

We wanted to cheer her up

There was a noticeable gap

Between her culture and ours

We were all teens, barely adults

She was almost twice as old

We let our guard down

It’s funny all the bullshit you can let slide

When someone is known to be nice

So I let my guard down

I let my guard down

She started coming to my place

A lot more than the usual

Doing 4-hour trips to Paris

Just to sleep on the sofa

I was in a dark, dark, dark place

She would dissect my lyrics

Find me more and more illnesses

By twisting metaphors and abstractness

She would find excuses for my shitty behavior

Find another sickness where she would be the cure

I was addicted to her presence

I was addicted to the attention

I was addicted to the excuses

I was addicted to the sickness

I began skipping classes

Spiraling into darkness

My mind was shattering

Suicidal thoughts kept coming

I would fantasize about autodestruction

Drinking liters and liters of the strongest liquor

At every party with my friends

I would look at the ceiling

I would eat tons of shit only to make myself vomit

This spiral of constant praise made me fucking hate myself

I was barely 18 I wanted to end it

She found an opportunity to be the one to save me

To cure my illnesses and my insecurities

She went to Paris one night

To spend the weekend with me

The conversation drifted into dark territories

I told her about everything

My relationship with sex

And how I resented it

And I don’t know why

But she took that as a challenge

I was in the weakest place

I felt a pit in my stomach

Something felt wrong

I got into her bed

Because she was supposed to be my safe place

She cried on my back and told me:

“You deserve better, someone younger”

I was just a kid

She was almost twice my age

I was terrified

I wanted to get away

I was vague and not clear

As twisted as it is to hear

There was a thrill

Because it was all new

Maybe that’s why I didn’t say “no”

She was making her way into my mind

That was confusing and weird at the same time

Those lines are especially hard to write

Knowing what would happen that night

“Do you consent?” she said

I was scared and I said yes

History repeats itself

History repeats itself

History repeats itself

History repeats itself

That night I was raped