chaos theory Lyrics

Oh believe me, I can sleep

Without you in my room just fine

More room for the iridescent oil

Leaking from my cracking spine

They took my car and sold it

And with it took my memories,

The lockbox of colored pencil drawings

Made when I was seventeen

If death is consistent, I can see the appeal

You don't remember how you said I was so real

What tiny action could I change, an input-output fair exchange

I'm searching caverns in my brain

For any indications

Of a way I could have changed

Bent my sentences from ways

That made you feel like damaged goods, the way I felt

To make my voice a softer noise than being held

Cake iced with mayonnaise

An instrument for brighter days

But frosting can't sugarcoat the pain

Of being deadnamed on your birthday

I'm still trying to unlearn

Excusing all the bullshit that you say

Holding Rex tight, breathing in five, four, three, two, ones

Fumbling with headphones as I'm drowning in the noises all around

Fighting with my lungs in five, four, three, two, ones

I'm pulling at my hair in five, four, three, two, ones

I'm remade and I'm undone in five, four, three, two

If death is consistent, I can see the appeal

You don't remember how you said I was "so real"

What tiny action could I change, an input-output fair exchange

I'm searching caverns in my brain

For any indications

Of a way I could have changed

Bent my sentences from ways

That made you feel like damaged goods, the way I felt

To make a choice to be my boy instead of hell

To make my voice a softer noise than being held