pretend. Lyrics

I don't know how much more I have in me

An overwhelming lethargy, an overwhelming emptiness

I don't know how much more I have left in me

An overwhelming lethargy, an overwhelming emptiness

Somebody help me

I don't know how much more I have left in me

An overwhelming lethargy, an overwhelming emptiness

Somebody help me

Nothing's helping

I think I want to hurt somebody

And here they come

I don't know how much more I have left in me

An overwhelming lethargy, an overwhelming emptiness

Somebody help me

Nothing's helping

I think I want to hurt somebody

The cops came, asking for me by name

I couldn't shoo them away

I couldn't remember how many pills I'd taken

Nothing's helping

I think I want to hurt somebody

My mother came from her room

A collective guilt trip ensued

I genuinely thought I was helping

And I didn't know how to tell them

I thought I was helping you

And I'm not strong enough to live for you

I didn't know how to tell them

I thought I was helping you

And I'm not strong enough to be strong for you

So I let them berate me for not thinking of them

She called me selfish, she called me a coward

Reprimanded because she was scared and couldn't understand it

My wonderful mother, with the world on her shoulders

Couldn't fathom burying her youngest son

I internalized the yelling, what had I become

How often is our love expressed as violence

My mother doesn't say, I love you

She says, you better not die before me

This life, riddled with suffering is coped with through bluffing

That's what adults do

We play pretend

And we teach our children how to play pretend

And the rules get lost with time

Until it's not a game, but a habit

She called me a coward

She was absolutely right

I couldn't finish the job that night

Why doesn't anybody ever get what they deserve

My assaulter is free while I'm losing family to diseases doctors don't know how to cure

We pretended that I was fine and pretended that nothing happened

Now we're mad at the consequence of our actions

How sad

But I don't know how much more I have in me

An overwhelming lethargy, overwhelming emptiness

Why can't somebody help me