I Just Wanna Know Home Lyrics

Let's go back when I was young

I was mommy's special son

I was safe inside my bubble

Never got in any trouble

My dad at work, days at a time

I would just stay home and cry

My family had their plans laid out

They didn't have an ounce of doubt

Some would say I was obsessed

And that is when I got depressed

I fixated on female forms

I didn't know why I was torn

Had no idea who I was

On autopilot just because

Old memories appeared in waves

I won't ever forget that day

Like slamming bodies, slapping sounds

The pounding noise, she hit the ground

I still hear it to this day

That moment will not go away

Rewind a tad, my coming out

The day my mom and me went south

I did not come out by choice

A cop came in and took my voice

From there I finally found myself

But wearing heels would hurt my health

Had to get ready in the school

And change right back, that was the rule

She called the school and kicked me out

I looked for love, a different route

I soon learned family's not just blood

And memories will come in floods

I seek belonging in a stranger

Never see a thread of danger

Give so many all my trust

For them to say it's not enough

Self sabotage, my favorite game

Before the demons had a name

I'm addicted, wreck, destroy

My life became my favorite toy

As a kid, I played quite rough

But deep down I was never tough

I'm delicate just like a flower

Isolated in my tower

I cannot do this all alone but

I have no place to call home

If I must do this for myself

I'll put my motive on the shelf

All the time I feel alone

I feel it deep within my bones

Even though my secrets show

I act like my heart's made of stone

All the time, I feel so lost

For guidance, I would pay the cost

Hoping rawness won't get crossed

In this wicked world of frost

All the time I feel depressed

I'm never feeling at my best

The demons are no longer guests

They've moved in and they've laid to rest

All the time I feel alone

I feel it deep within my bones

Even though I'm fully grown

I just wanna know home

Back to the story, second chance

At a family, change my stance

I've had friends all through the years

We've laughed, we've fought, we've shed some tears

But no one really stays forever

Over time you get less clever

Ruined things that felt so good

I always knew i never should

But I couldn't control myself

There was a flaw within my health

I could list the fancy terms

But there's no point just to affirm

I am best at lies and hiding

Secrets no one's ever finding

Wrecked and hid, deflected blame

Every move was all the same

But now it feels that hope is lost

I know I'm not but I felt crossed

Relied on them for eight long years

I disregarded all my fears

Slowly we had become friends

But like all friends, I found an end

I realized I'm not unique

Face in the crowd, so fucking bleak

The sun goes down, I feel alone

Breathe in breathe out, pick up the phone

I call some people, no replies

Just endless silence screaming why

I know i did this to myself

I know that dwelling will not help

And in the end, I just give up

Then pour more wisdom in my cup

I seek love from anyone

Or even just a little fun

I take pills, i cut my thighs

I cannot look you in the eyes

There's so much damage to our path

All because I craved my wrath

The things you want to say but don't

I wish you'd stay but know you won't

People only care in death

Gone when I take a single breath

But once I breathe I'm on my own

Into the land of the unknown

I wish I didn't need your help

Wish I could do this by myself

I've made it so I had no choice

I'm all alone with just my voice

All the time I feel alone

I feel it deep within my bones

Even though my secrets show

I act like my heart's made of stone

All the time, I feel so lost

For guidance, I would pay the cost

Hoping rawness won't get crossed

In this wicked world of frost

All the time I feel depressed

I'm never feeling at my best

The demons are no longer guests

They've moved in and they've laid to rest

All the time I feel alone

I feel it deep within my bones

Even though I'm fully grown

I just wanna know home

I act like I'm okay with this

I act like I don't look for bliss

Act like I'm not drowning in lies

I act like one day I can rise

But really I don't see much hope

I really don't know how to cope

I really cannot wait for change

I just don't know, I'm too afraid

I just wanna know my home

Not always feel so damn alone

Not always feel the need to roam

Not always living on my own

I just want to find my place

Not always on an endless chase

No matter poverty or wealth

I need to find home in myself