Vicious Cycles Lyrics

Sometimes I wish I never got therapy

Cause once you put a name to actions, you start to notice patterns

You start to realize coping only seems to make you sadder

You start to notice nothing that do you seems to matter

You start to notice when you think you speak, you only stammer

You start to notice when you think you climb, you only clamber

Cause now I've noticed all I've done is stand idle

And I'm afraid my life will be a long viscous cycle

It's hard to speak about this

Specifically I'm apprehensive bout how weak I'm sounding

I know the moment that I open up I can't go back, so I tried moving past

But if I bury this shit any longer, I'mma crack

My mind would be my greatest asset

If my fucked up brain chemistry wasn't an aspect

I got ADHD, and spent my youth learning to mask it

Only to realize i was attacking sadness by adding baggage

And I don't think I deserve fame cause I used to be problematic

And even if I was a saint, regardless I'd get slandered

But when I was a kid, my will to live came from my dreams

So it was soul crushing feeling like I'd never succeed

It's hard to ace a test when it's hard for me to read

It's hard to get a scholarship if my grades ain't great

It's hard to write a hit when I can't hear myself think

Or practice instruments when I can barely fucking sit

But that all changed when I started popping Adderall

I think I knew that it would hurt me, but my dumb ass thought it was worth it

And sure I got much more productive until side effects began to worsen

I lost my appetite, and everytime I'd eat, I'd binge

Then starve myself to try fix my self image

I learned to hate my weight despite the fact I was in shape

And formed an eating disorder that took about 4 years to break

And add to that, pills would feed into my obsessive nature

And I found ways to practice without waking my family up

So I was shedding for bout seven hours on a nightly basis

And since I saw progress, I just ignored the problem

Til exhaustion set in, now I'm in all my classes sleeping

Look I partly started taking this shit for academic reasons

So I decided it was time quit, until I fell into a pitfall

I wasn't ready for withdrawals

First thing I noticed, everything I ate made me nauseous

Then despite whether I slept or not I always felt exhausted

When coming down from benders, I'd enter bouts of delusion

I'd hear voices that weren't there and see shadowy figures moving

And I didn't know I had bipolar yet

But I did know was my mood swings got more drastic, and my behavior more erratic

More than ever before i felt hyperactive

So every time I was in public I felt embarrassed

And so I relapsed til the pain outweighed the benefits

Then got clean, til the pain outweighed the benefits

I thought that I could fix my self hatred by self medicating

Only to cave under more hatred

It's hard to see my worth, when I feel so ugly

It's hard to say I'm fine, when my wrists are bloody

I'm honestly surprised that these cycles haven't ended me

Sometimes I wish I never got therapy

Cause once you put a name to actions, you start to notice patterns

You start to realize coping only seems to make you sadder

You start to notice nothing that do you seems to matter

You start to notice when you think you speak, you only stammer

You start to notice when you think you climb, you only clamber

Cause now I've noticed all I've done is stand idle

And I'm afraid my life will be a long viscous cycle

I'mma be honest I made this song after I relapsed

In fact imma say it straight up cause I know someone will ask

I wrote this song on a pill bender

Cause when I tried to write it sober my brain couldn't render

Ritalin had me fiddling with syllables

And twisting them in ways I feel I ain't capable of when i ain't on drugs

And most the time I try to do it sober

But barely bolster a few mediocre lines, then pine over the disparity

When my vision's fixed, betwixt the words I have clarity

But I recognize my action's severity

I'm done excusing them by saying my focus is a rarity

Cause I know I have an addictive personality

In fact I even limit how much I smoke when I see blunts

I used to smoke daily, til I lost my voice for a month

I had to re record my first EP cause my voice got gruff

And I lost my vocal range so my favorite song i wrote for it was cut

I spent my adolescence popping pills, smoking and getting drunk

And I've decided that enough is enough

So I've been clear for a year and I still wanna leave this junk

But then i get nothing done, what the fuck

All I've done is stand idle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

All I've done is stand idle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

All I've done is stand idle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

All I've done is stand idle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle

I don't want my life to a long vicious cycle