holding your sleeping body i prayed to god for the first time in my life that i would be able to keep you alive (P1500021.MP4 November 12 2020) Lyrics

2020 writing journals that i barely remember

Threatening my stepdad with a bread knife in the kitchen

Preteen, probably no good reason

Could've been so much worse

But the fury in his features, inches from mine - so familiar

Back in the present a phone explodes beside me

Is this a joke i don't get?

"Sorry" - then even closer, again

Frozen - no bread knife, no preteen chaos

Im not a reason

But im not a reason to stop which is worse.

But its still not that bad

It never is.

A holographic sheet of plastic

Found in the ruins of a Huawei p30 on an apartment floor

Let's make something with it

Let's move forward

"i miss you"

Optimistic like a child

You would've hated that - regression or fear of you

"Pick one"

I can't believe i let you convince me

That being scared of your screaming was my fault

I went to therapy like you told me to, what the fuck

Over and over

I put everything i had into keeping you safe

And when i realized it was impossible

I finally had to protect myself

2018 after so much work and distance

I finally felt carefree

I finally loved myself a little bit

Now i'm empty and i'm afraid of everyone

Still i don't regret anything

Six years living in a short-circuiting wind tunnel

Bracing myself every second

Now my insides are frozen and i cant see the sky

Oh i made you feel bad?

Good. that's how you get better.

Until you understand the weight

Of what your behavior slowly did to me

You'll be stuck inside yourself

And nothing will ever change.

Or you can just keep making shit up about me -

At this point i don't really care.