Childhood ~I wanted to believe~ Lyrics

"You dont care about me"

Is what you told me

When i called to check on you

After hearing you were upset

You dont care about me

Is what i learnt

When you told me

It was my fault i was abused

No matter how hard i try

I'm always strung along

And like a broken puppet

I keep dancing to your song

I'm an idiot, a complete idiot

I knew the truth all along

But i wanted to believe

That you loved me, mum

"You're useless"

Is what you said

While hitting me

Because i misunderstood

I'm worthless

Is what i believed

When all i wanted

Was to make you happy

No matter how hard i try

I always mess up

Burried under a mountain of mistakes

I'm a failure

I'm an idiot, a complete idiot

I knew the truth all along

But i wanted to believe

That you loved me, dad

"I wish i had never given birth to you"

Is what you told me

While swinging a knife

At a 12 year old me

"I wish i was never born"

Is what i thought

While hiding in the closet

Quietly saying my goodbyes

No matter how hard i try

I can't reverse time

Can't erase my mistake

I'm stuck in existence

I'm an idiot, a complete idiot

I knew the truth all along

But i wanted to believe

That you loved me, mum

"Why do you hate me?"

Is what you asked

While smashing dinner plates

And throwing a knife at me

"Why won't you kill me already?"

Is what i wondered

While running to my room

Crying and locking the door

No matter how hard i try

My feelings are never received

Like a bubble they pop

Disappearing before they reach you

I'm an idiot, a complete idiot

I knew the truth all along

But i wanted to believe

That you loved me, dad

Growing up with death

Always around the corner

The one constant in my life

My everlasting friend

Living feels so... wrong...

"So this is the end..."

I told myself

When the waves pulled me under

And a silent calmness filled my heart

"It's all your fault"

You scolded me

After pulling me from the water

Where i nearly died

No matter how hard i try

Its just a lull in life's sea

The most peace I've ever felt

Was by death's door

I'm an idiot, a complete idiot

I knew the truth all along

But i wanted to believe

That I'd finally be free

I wanted to believe

That I'd finally be able to live in peace