Santa Claus Is Called Jeff (And He’s Bald As Hell) Lyrics

Once upon a time, he wore red and white

Now he's got a warehouse and he's primed for the fight

No sleigh, no reindeer, no North Pole

Just a big bald head and delivery control

He's everywhere, in every town

With boxes piling up, bringing Christmas down

Santa Claus is called Jeff, and he's bald as hell

Delivering Christmas with a corporate sell

No more magic, no more cheer

Just clicks and drones, he's taking over here

Santa Claus is called Jeff, and he's got the cash

Turning Christmas spirit into a cold, hard stash

He's got the elves working 'round the clock

On conveyor belts that never stop

With a barcode scan, your gift's on its way

No jolly old Santa, just next-day pay

Forget the stockings, forget the sleigh

Jeff's got it all in a cardboard way

Santa Claus is called Jeff, and he's bald as hell

Delivering Christmas with a corporate sell

No more magic, no more cheer

Just clicks and drones, he's taking over here

Santa Claus is called Jeff, and he's got the cash

Turning Christmas spirit into a cold, hard stash

Where's the snow, where's the sleigh bells ringin'

Now it's just emails and doorbells dingin'

Kids don't write letters; they fill up their carts

While Santa's in Seattle, counting out parts

Santa Claus is called Jeff, and he's bald as hell

Delivering Christmas with a corporate sell

No more magic, no more cheer

Just clicks and drones, he's taking over here

Santa Claus is called Jeff, and he's got the cash

Turning Christmas spirit into a cold, hard stash

So here's to the guy with a billion-dollar head

Santa's now a brand, all the magic's dead

Christmas in a box, brought right to your door

Santa Claus is called Jeff and he wants more